


More Than Our Nightmares

by story_telling_sage



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Blood, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Torture, Strong Language, Suicidal Thoughts, Survivors Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-27
Updated: 2016-02-27
Packaged: 2018-05-23 13:02:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6117271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/story_telling_sage/pseuds/story_telling_sage
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Right after Sam had expelled Gadreel from his body and Dean took off Cas has been taking care of Sam in between tracing leads. When an old, hunter friend calls Sam up and needs him to look after her daughter for a few days Sam agrees and bonding ensues. Together they spend a lot of time in the library, watch The Hunchback of Notre Dame, and try to come to terms with each other and themselves.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Sam Winchester Big Bang. It's my first long fic. Feel free to let me know what you think! Comment are always welcome.
> 
> Any characters from the Supernatural universe are not mine and I'm making no money from this work of fiction.

It had been five long years since Antonia Sofia Romano had started hunting alongside her mom. It had been twelve years since her father had his throat ripped out in cold blood. She didn’t remember much about that day. She remembered relatives she barely knew hugging her, promising her things they couldn’t deliver.

 

“It’s going to be okay, Annie. I promise. It’s going to be okay,” people would say. But it wouldn’t be okay. Her father was  _ dead _ . Annie would wake up hearing her father’s screams for the rest of her life. She remembered red on her skin and it felt like a disease. It felt like her fault. It wasn’t  _ okay _ in any sense of the word.

 

It had been years since anyone called her Annie. Her father was dead, his nickname for her had died with him. She called herself Teddy now. Little girls didn’t make it long in the hunting business. And she couldn’t stand the little orphan Annie jokes from the kids at school. She wasn’t an orphan. Not yet.

 

Her father would probably be horrified if he saw his pretty little girl now. Nothing remained of the five year old girl that dreamed about being a princess. She was a knight now with scars that ran deep. Her knee hurt whenever it rained. Her fingers were crooked and itched to pull a trigger. She couldn’t sleep without sleeping pills and that was almost always a bad idea. Scar tissue ran across her body from stray bullets and on target claw slashes, and every time she hadn’t reacted quickly enough. Scars even graced her face and now she looked like an Anakin Skywalker knockoff with a shorter hair and a broken nose.

 

Teddy sat on the bench in front of the gas station, wringing a faded brown cap between her hands. Her mother’s last words were still ringing in her ears, “ _ Stay safe, I’ll be back soon. Love you. _ ” It was their customary farewell but this time it felt too much like goodbye. This time Teddy wondered if her mom was really going to find the bastards that had torn dad’s throat out that night twelve years ago.

 

This time Teddy wondered if her mom was going to get her own throat torn out by the fanged beasts. Or worse. Her mom could get turned. Every hunter knew that death was better than existing as a monster. Even worse, her mom wasn’t letting her come near this case with her. Not after last time…

 

So now Teddy was stuck at a 7/11 gas station waiting for a hunter “friend” of her mother’s to pick her up. Everything about this situation screamed  _ unsafe  _ and vaguely rape-y but, then again, what part of Teddy’s life didn’t lately?

 

When the rusty, old pickup truck with the license plate that matched the picture Teddy had been sent from this mystery man’s number pulled into a parking spot Ted was instantly on alert. She recognized the man stepping out of the truck as well. He was well over six foot with hair even longer than Ted’s.

 

Her mom had told her that Teddy was going to stay with a “friend.” Her mom hadn’t mentioned that that friend was Sam Winchester. She had heard about the Winchester boys. Teddy was in no position to make judgements, but she felt something inside of herself tense up but she also found another part of her uncoiling, relaxing. If half the rumors were true… 

 

She shook the thoughts away. Teddy adjusted her silver rings and grabbed a bottle of holy water out of her bag and approached slowly. The man was watching her with his arms folded across his chest. If this wasn’t the right man Ted was in serious trouble. She couldn’t outrun him, certainly couldn’t beat him in a contest of brute strength, and there was hardly anyone around to help her if it came down to that.

 

Teddy just had to have a little faith. She kept a hand on her can of pepperspray. Her faith had long since been buried.

 

-oOo-

 

Sam watched the girl approach him warily. She reminded him of a cat, long limbed and watchful. She looked a little like his seventeen year old self as well. Too tall for her own good, wearing layers upon layers to hide the scars, her eyes hidden behind a pair of cheap, gas station shades.

 

Tami said that her daughter, Antonia, wasn’t even eighteen yet. Sam didn’t believe it. She could’ve walked into any bar in the local area and probably not even been carded. A part of Sam ached because of that. Kids weren’t meant to grow up that fast. Kids weren’t meant to look so battle ready. They weren’t meant to carry handguns in their pockets either.  

 

She walked right up to Sam, obviously not in the mood to play games. Wordlessly she stuck out her hand, a silver ring catching in the sunlight. Sam smiled, understanding, at the girl and took her hand.

 

“Not a shifter,” he said. “Or a werewolf.” 

 

The girl just eyed him warily and offered him the water bottle, “You look thirsty, have some water.” They way she said it didn’t leave much room for argument and Sam gladly took the bottle. It was no surprise when the water tasted metallic on his tongue.  

 

“Your turn,” Sam said, handing the bottle back to her. She drank it without flinching and then headed for the passenger seat.

 

“Hey! Kid, don’t you want something to eat or anything? It’s a long drive back to Kansas,” Sam said but the girl just shrugged and pulled herself up into the passenger seat and motioned for him to go into the gas station if need be.

 

Shrugging, Sam left her in the car. He was sure she was more than capable of taking care of herself for ten minutes.

 

When Sam came back the girl had that dirty, brown ballcap she had been wringing in her hands earlier back on top of her mop of dirty blonde curls. One earbud was dangling around her neck, the other was popped in her left ear as her head bobbed along silently to the music. Despite the distraction, her gaze was none the less sharp. Sam could practically feel her stare from behind the sunglasses.

 

Sam didn’t take the suspicion personally. This kid - Antonia - had obviously grown up in the life. No seventeen year old would have that many scars any other way.

 

“I grabbed you a water bottle and some other snacks if you’re hungry,” Sam said once they had started driving. She nodded her thanks and grabbed one of the bottles. She barely took her eyes off the road as they kept driving and it seemed like every one of her muscles was tense. After another few minutes of awkward silence, Sam tried for conversation. 

 

“You can plug your music into the stereo system, if you want to. What do you like to listen to, Anto-” Before he could finish saying her name, the girl had turned her steady gaze to him. Without the sunglasses on, her brown eyes had even more affect. Anger, she could hide behind the shades, but she wasn’t hiding anymore. 

 

“That’s not my name. My name is Teddy,” she said. Sam could feel the anger, the hurt, and the pain coming from the girl’s body. Her entire body was tense, hardly moving, except for her hands. Her knuckles were white and she seemed to be trying to squeeze her fingers tighter and tighter together. She only stopped once Sam heard something pop. 

 

“Sorry, Teddy,” he apologized quickly. The girl let some of the intensity go and shoved her glasses back onto her face. As far as Sam could tell her eyes were back on the road in front of them. She placed the dangling earbud into the other ear and Sam didn’t push for conversation again. 

 

Sam didn’t blame her for lashing out. In the terms of lashing out that was minor, but it set off alarm bells inside of his chest. A lot could go wrong in the hunting life, and obviously this girl was hardly unscathed. Sam just took a deep breath and kept driving down the long and lonely road.

 

-oOo-

 

Teddy was busy pretending to listen to music when the hunter pulled out his phone to make a call. Part of Ted felt bad for eavesdropping like this, but what choice did she have? For all she knew this man was calling someone to confirm their plans to kill her and make sure her body would never be found. 

 

Well, whoever he was calling didn’t pick up.

 

Teddy tried not to dwell. If he tried to kill her later, she’d deal with it. For now it was back to the basics, know thy enemy, right? Even if the enemy is currently hypothetical. 

 

She tried to review what she knew about the Winchester brothers. They had started the Apocalypse. They had also stopped said Apocolypse. Dean and their dad - John - had been the ones to work her father’s case. There were rumors… rumors about working with demons and vampire. There were rumors that they thought that monster could be “good.”

 

Could any monster really be good? Did it matter?

 

It didn’t to Teddy. She knew the answer already. 

 

-oOo-

 

The girl didn’t do much during the seven hour car ride. She read a Latin textbook and looked through what Sam thought might be history notes. When she wasn’t studying she was reading something else or looking out the window and scanning the horizon for possible threats. Sam remembered spending car trips doing the same things when he was her age.

 

Sam pushed a sandwich onto her after they stopped to refill the truck and get something for dinner. It wasn’t lost on Sam that she spent more time picking at the food and pretending to eat than she did actually eating. Not that he had much room to criticize other’s eating habits..

 

That was a problem for another day. Today’s problem was just getting Ted back to the bunker. Tami had said something about a hunt that was too dangerous for her girl do go on. She also said that the girl couldn’t be on her own right now, it was too dangerous for everyone involved. Sam wasn’t sure what that meant other than that it meant having a sleep deprived teenage hunter living with him for the next few days, maybe weeks. With Dean off chasing Gadreel - just thinking the name made Sam’s skin crawl - there wasn’t much for him to do other than wait. 

 

Sam wasn’t sure what he was waiting for. Maybe for someone to call him and deliver the news that his brother was dead once again? Either way, Sam wasn’t going to be the first to reach out to his brother. If Dean couldn’t admit… if he didn’t think… Sam could still feel residual grace lingering to his skin like a phantom pain. He could scratch and scratch and it would never go away. 

 

He tried to keep his focus on the road, but Sam knew the drive back to the bunker like the back of his hand and not many other people were out driving this late on a Tuesday. Teddy didn’t seem to be sleeping, but again, Sam really had no room for criticizing. When was the last time he had slept for more than a handful of hours at a time?

 

Months. Years maybe. Not since he had gotten back from the cage… almost five years then. Probably more because lord knows that Sam wasn’t sleep too well when Lucifer kept invading his brain to convince him to say yes. 

 

Sam shook his head, trying to get rid of the thoughts. It didn’t matter. It was over. It was over now. No more Lucifer. No more Cage. Just the aftereffects of angel possession induced by his own brother. And also the king of hell. At the same time. Fuck. 

 

_ Stop that train of thought right there Sam. Stop it. You’re no good to the girl if you’re letting yourself get dragged under by all your crazy. _ He shifted his hazel eyes to look at the girl who was watching him warily. 

 

“Need me to take a turn behind the wheel? I mean, I’m 17, I can drive. And I can read a map. You need to get some shut eye man, or we’re going to crash and I don’t want anymore brain damage than I’ve already got, okay?” Teddy said in a tone that was reminiscent of Ellen at her most stubborn. 

 

God, Sam missed Ellen and Jo.

 

“Sam?” Teddy asked again, and Sam could hear worry in her voice. He thought he could hear Lucifer laughing too. Tricks. Just tricks. It’s not like Sam’s mind had never tricked him before.

 

“Okay dude, I’m driving. No, shut up, I’m driving,” Teddy said. “Pull over and let me get behind the wheel.”

 

Sam did as he was told. God, he was so tired. Everything really hurt, but that wasn’t new. It felt like every inch of him was throbbing. Before he knew it the driver’s side door was opening and someone had their arm around him.  

 

“Shit you weigh a ton, Winchester.”

 

Sam didn’t recognize the voice. It was female. Not Dean. Not Cas. 

 

Cas.

 

_ Cas,  _ Sam prayed.  _ Are you there? Cas. Help. I need help. _

 

-oOo-

 

Teddy didn’t really have a plan for how her day would go, but somehow this wasn’t what she thought would happen. Oh well, you’ve gotta make do with what you’re given. Life. Lemons. All that shit.

 

She was on the side of an old back road with a passed out man the size of freaking Big Foot. It was almost ass o’clock in the morning and she had absolutely no clue where she was going. She just knew that it was too dangerous to stay out in the open like this. Teddy had complete faith in her ability to take down almost anyone or anything, but she didn’t want to test her theory more than necessary. 

 

Of course, it wasn’t like she had much of a choice in the matter when a man (probably not an actual man, but he looked like one) appeared out of nowhere in the middle of the road with a silver blade at the ready.

 

“What are you doing with Sam Winchester?” he asked in a gravely voice.

 

Teddy just stared at him. What the fuck. She couldn’t deal with this today. 

 

“Okay, hey, you want him? Fine. I don’t care. I don’t know what’s wrong with him, he just passed out after going… I’m not even sure what was happening but he wasn’t all there.”

 

The man just cocked his head to the side, squinting his eyes, scrutinizing the scene.

 

“Listen, you a friend? You going to kill me? You going to kill him? Cause I’d really rather no one die here. I am so not in the mood.”

 

“You must be Antonia,” the man said after a long and tense silence. Teddy tried not to bristle at the name. She tried not to bristle at the fact that this  _ guy  _ who she had just met and had appeared out of nowhere even knew her name.

 

“What’s it to you?” she spat back with as much fire as she could muster. 

 

“I’m a friend of Sam’s. My name is Castiel. Let me help him.”

 

“Prove it. Approach slowly, okay? I’ve got a gun and I’m not afraid to shoot. I don’t know what you are but it’s not human.”

 

“I’m an angel of the Lord. You can shoot me if you’d like, but it wouldn’t accomplish anything other than wasting your bullets.”

 

Teddy just stared at him, mind reeling. _Angels_? _Seriously_?!?! She could practically hear her mother’s overly religious sister saying “I told you that you’d regret not following the True Lord one day, Antonia.”

 

Freaking Aunt Agatha.

 

Freaking Castiel.

 

Fuck it all.


	2. Chapter 2

Castiel was not, in fact, a demon. There was no angel test that Teddy knew about, but he had passed the tests given and Sam was obviously in need of help. His nose had finally stopped bleeding and his pulse was still steady, but the man showed no signs of waking up.

 

“You must take better care of yourself, Sam,” the angel murmured, his face scrunched up in disappointment and pain. For a moment, it seemed like the angel might really care about the man.

 

“I can take the both of you the rest of the way to The Bunker. I’ll stay until I’m sure you’re both okay. Sam is going to need more  _ actual  _ rest, but I’m afraid there are other matters that require my assistance,” he said and Teddy couldn’t help but hear the fondness in the angel’s voice now. Sure it was buried under layers of gravelly neutrality but the worry was stronger than his facade. 

 

“Get him into the truck, I can drive us the rest of the way if you can give me directions.”

 

“I’ve got a better idea,” Castiel said, picking Sam up much too easily for a man his size and then turning to place his hand onto Teddy’s forehead. Before she could even begin to scramble away she was suddenly in a library instead of on the side of the road.

 

“What the hell?!?” Teddy shouted, backing away until she was up against the wall, gun out and pointed at the angel. Even if it might be useless, it felt good to have something in her hands. Something that made her feel safe. She’d had enough of being useless, of having power stripped from her. 

 

“I’m sorry,” Castiel said, sincerity in his deep voice even those his eyes seemed cold. Teddy had learned at a young age how to read people. This one, his emotion was all in his voice. Sam’s was all in his eyes.

 

Teddy’s emotion was in her hands. They way they were shaking, they way they’re holding on.

 

“Fuck you. Whatever. It’s fine. Where are we?” She knows her words are coming out fast, maybe a little desperate, but that didn’t matter right now.

 

“We’re at Sam’s home, he calls it the bunker. I assumed this was where he was taking you, either way this is where Sam needs to be in order to recover properly. The truck is outside and you can grab your things. I’m sure Sam has cleared out a room for you to stay in while you’re here. I need to attend to Sam.”

 

Teddy let the angel go, emotions rolling around inside her stomach that she doesn’t want to think about. She read once, somewhere, that naming things gives them less power. Naming whatever Teddy was feeling right now felt like nothing but weakness. She stowed her gun and made her way out to the truck to grab her duffle. 

 

After dropping her bag down on one of the library tables, Teddy took a closer look at the walls. Tiny script was written all over them in what looked like blood. Blood sigils weren’t exactly new to Teddy, but that didn’t make them any less repulsive. There was a lot of blood here. A lot of warding. She made a mental note to ask Sam about it later. 

 

For now, though, she went searching through the library.

 

-oOo-

 

When Sam awoke, he was back in her bedroom at the Bunker with Cas by his side. He didn’t remember what happened. He didn’t remember and for a moment that had panic welling up inside of him for another reason altogether. Head injuries aren’t the only thing that can twist a brain.

 

“Breathe, Sam. You’re okay. The girl is okay. You’re home, you’re safe,” Cas said. Sam let his shoulders sag as the memories came back. 

 

He had passed out while driving back to the Bunker with Teddy. He wasn’t sure why. 

 

“You sure she’s okay?” Sam asked. Cas nodded and tried to help Sam sit up, handing him a bottle of water to drink from. 

 

“You over strained yourself Sam. You need to take it easy. I’m still healing you and even I cannot fix everything, especially not in only a few days.”

 

Sam drank slowly from the bottle as he listened to Cas chastise him. Sam, at least, at the decency to look a little ashamed. He knew the drive was a bad idea, but he needed to get  _ out _ . He couldn’t just stay there any longer. Just being in his room made his skin itch. Being in the bunker just made Sam want to cry or scream on the good days. Every footstep felt like he was on foreign ground.

 

“I’m sorry Cas, really, I am. Let’s just go check on Teddy, make sure she knows where everything’s at. How long was I out?”

 

“Only a few hours. I would’ve helped you sleep with angelic assistance but I didn’t want to without asking,” Cas said. His gentle tone was a blow to Sam’s pride, but Sam couldn’t help but be grateful. There wasn’t much room in this life for pride, especially his. Hubris was the whole reason he had ended the world, remember?

 

“Thank you, Cas,” he said before trying to stand up. He got firmly to his feet, the world going black around the edges for a few moments before his vision cleared. Together, the pair checked the room Sam had cleared out for Teddy but didn’t find her there. Next, they checked the library. The girl’s old duffle was on the table and a few books were spread out.

 

They looked among the stacks for the girl and eventually found her curled up on the floor, leaning against a bookshelf. Teddy was shaking in her sleep, whimpering softly. Sam waved Cas away and started to slowly approach but as soon as he got close she started to thrash, crying out.

 

“Don’t! Stay the fuck away from me! Stop it! Stop it!” Teddy screamed. Sam tried to get close enough to wake her but her leg shot out. Sam’s reflexes were good enough to get himself out of the way before she got him, instead her foot made contact with the heavy bookshelf. Sam thought he heard something crack as the girl sat bolt upright, panting.

 

-oOo-

 

The first thought that Teddy had when her eyes shot open were several words that her mother would be genuinely horrified to realize that she knew but god damn did that hurt.

 

_ Note to self,  _ Teddy thought,  _ stop kicking things because it’s fucking painful and so not worth it.  _

 

She stopped focusing on the pain in her foot for long enough to see Sam kneeling in front of her, his eyebrows knit together in concern. At least the angel was nowhere in sight this time. Teddy had enough to deal with right now. She barely trust the hunter in front of her, let alone a creature she barely knew. 

 

“You okay, Teddy?” Sam asked. She nodded reluctantly. She was fine.

 

“Yeah, fine. Sorry, didn’t mean to fall asleep.” Sam nodded and smiled gently, the expression made Teddy want to cringe.

 

“You sure? Let me look at your foot, I think I heard something crack,” Sam said, just as gentle. Teddy shook her head quickly and jerked her foot towards her body and away from Sam’s reach.

 

“I’m fine,” she snapped. Sam didn’t press it, he just looked concerned.  

 

“Want me to show you to a room you can stay in? Sleep in an actual bed?” he offered, but Teddy shook her head. 

 

“If you don’t mind, can I just set up shop in here? I haven’t seen a library this big in forever. Mostly it’s just the small town ones and they never have much....”

 

Sam’s smile reached all the way up to his eyes this time and Teddy had to smile back. They quickly fell into a routine of reading and research. It wasn’t that they were looking for anything in particular, it was just that Teddy was looking to get her mind off of where her mother might be, who might be hurting her, what might be going wrong.

 

Teddy wasn’t sure what Sam was running away from inside of that big brain of his but she knew that trapped look. She knew the way his eyes watched the clock and watched the exits like he was an unwanted guest in his own home. The angel showed up every now and then throughout the days. 

 

It wasn’t lost on Teddy that the only time that bigger man ate was when the angel was there. That was pretty much the only time he slept too. She had no room to criticize though. She wasn’t exactly the poster child for mental health. How long had she been awake this time?

 

She hadn’t let her body lapse into sleep for a few days now at least. She did pretend, for Sam’s sake. They were both pretending. They were both going to pay the price.

 

-oOo-

 

Sam was worried about Teddy. Teddy was worried about her mom. Cas was worried about Sam. They were both worried about Dean but that couldn’t be helped right now. Sam tried to focus on the task at hand. Teddy. Keeping her safe.

 

They weren’t friends. Not really. Sam wasn’t sure what they were. Strangers sharing the same library? It wasn’t like either of them left the premise of the old tomes for long periods of time. Sometimes Castiel would make him, attempt to coax him into eating something, and then making sure he got at least a few hours of sleep. 

 

It didn’t always happen, but Sam was trying. Castiel was trying too. Sam wasn’t sure why the angel was sticking around with Dean’s little brother who was nothing but trouble, but Sam was too tired to try and push Cas away. 

 

So instead Sam focused on Teddy. It was about the third day they were together that alarm bells started ringing off the charts in Sam’s brain. Red flags had been raised all week. The girl barely ate. Sam didn’t know the last time she slept, but he recognized the symptoms sleep deprivation. If he got too close she’d flinch and then pretend nothing had happened. She kept a hold on her knife like it was a safety blanket when she thought Sam wasn’t looking. 

 

So yes, Sam was worried. He was even more worried when she had started keeping more distance between them than usual, even working at a separate table. She never made herself come near him unless she had too. She didn’t look disgusted by him though - no, that wasn’t it. She looked scared. Why she would be scared of Sam, he had no idea, but she was. 

 

When Teddy wasn’t in the library once he made his way in there after pouring them two large mugs of coffee Sam tried not to worry. But she didn’t come after over an hour, Sam knew something was wrong and was cursing himself internally.

 

He started a systematic search of the Bunker. It was times like these that he hated how big his “home” was. Because what was the point of living somewhere this big if there was only one person living here. What was the point of two people living here if the place was so big they’d never be able to find each other?

 

It was a game of cat and mouse and Sam always felt too much like the mouse even when he was doing the chasing. 

 

It took over an hour to find Teddy and when he did Sam’s stomach twisted, his heart jumped into his throat. The girl was curled in on herself, nails digging into her bare skin. That in itself was a horrible sight. This was the first time Sam had seen Teddy without a multitude of layers and now that she was only in a tshirt he understood why.

 

Her pale skin was littered with old bruises and cuts. A few of the stitched cuts were looking dangerously infected, but that didn’t stop Teddy from digging her nails into the flesh around the stitches. Maximizing the pain. 

 

Sam knew that feeling too well.

 

As soon as she realized that Sam was in the room she curled into herself tighter.

 

“Please. Please. Please. Please.” 

 

She kept repeating the word. A soft desperation. A quiet plea.

 

-oOo- 

 

_ Please. Please don’t let me live through this. Please don’t let me do this _ , Teddy begged the world’s most absent god. She didn’t know how much longer she could hold out. 

 

She could smell Sam. She could smell his breath, peppermint toothpaste and mouthwash masked by the strong smell of coffee. She could smell his unwashed hair. She could smell his blood. She could hear his heartbeat. It was terrifying. She didn’t want to put this weight on his shoulders. He didn’t deserve it. No one did. 

 

But that didn’t change the fact that she needed him. She needed someone. She had tried. She was  _ trying _ . But she couldn’t do this job herself.

 

Sam kept getting closer and closer and the smell kept getting stronger and stronger and Teddy dug her nails into her skin deeper. She was careful not to spill blood. They would tip her over the edge. She dug in just enough to try to tear her mind away from the racing thoughts. 

 

As a giant, gentle hand came down to rest of Teddy’s shoulder she couldn’t stop herself from recoiling and lashing out, fangs fully retracted and bared. She wanted to feed. She  _ needed  _ to feed. Every cell in her body was longing for Sam’s blood right now. 

 

_ Run _ . Teddy’s feet were moving before the command even reached her mind. 

 

Run. Just keep running. 

 

Run from the blood. Run from the hunter. Run like the monster you are.

 

Teddy didn’t stop running and Sam wasn’t following. She couldn’t smell his blood. She couldn’t smell anything except his blood.


	3. Chapter 3

It took longer than Sam would've liked to find the girl - vampire? - no, girl. Maybe vampire too. Did it matter? … No, it didn’t.

 

When Sam did eventually find her he didn't like what he saw. 

 

She had managed to get herself crammed under a shelf in a storage room and I didn't look like she could move even if she wanted to. And she obviously didn't want to. She was whimpering, cold and scared and Sam knew it had been way too long since she’d fed. How long ago had she been turned? He wondered who left those bruises and cuts on her arms because those were definitely recent and he was cursing himself for just now noticing. 

 

"Hey," he said softly, keeping his distance, not wanting to scare her.  _ Not wanting to tempt her,  _ another part of his brain supplied. "I'm not going to hurt you." 

 

The promise felt empty. Why would Teddy believe him? He was a Hunter. She was a vampire - something he was supposed to hunt. But then Sam thought of Lenore, he thought of Benny, he thought of Amy and swallowed hard. He thought about himself, the demon blood, everything wrong with him down to his DNA and tried to smile at the scared girl that wouldn’t meet his eyes.

 

She didn't respond, just stared at him, her eyes hungry and helpless. There had been fresh blood right in front of her for the past few days and she had done nothing about it. Something like guilt, like pain, settled in his gut when he thought back to all those years ago, strung out on demon blood and left out to dry by Ruby and here this girl was starving herself with enough power to keep from biting into a meal when it was offered. 

 

He wondered how much self-hatred was built up in that little body because that was one of the only motivators powerful enough to stop this. 

 

"Teddy?" Sam asked softly. "Can you nod if you need to be fed? We have blood transfusion bags, it's going to be okay." She just looked at him, scared, mistrusting, hurting, and Sam couldn't blame her. He just stayed there and waited for her answer. 

 

-oOo-

 

God she was so hungry. It was aching, clawing at her insides, and it hurt so much but she couldn't let herself nod. Couldn't let herself give in. This wasn't the first time she'd tried to starve herself to death but her mom wasn't going to come back this time and even if she did Teddy couldn't help but feel like her mom's life would be easier without her. Without this leech attached to her side, sucking the life out of her. 

 

Eventually - Teddy wasn't sure how long - Sam left. She was bad with time now. She had lost that sense when she got turned. She used to always count her heart beats when her parents were fighting and she would burrow further into the closet. 

 

Now that her heart didn't beat that was a little hard to do. 

 

Teddy squeezed her eyes shut as she felt the tears bubble up to the surface. 

 

She was just so hungry.

 

-oOo-

 

When Sam came back he felt like his heart was breaking all over again. Teddy hadn’t moved and she was just stuck there, crying, scared, and he’d left her like that. But he had to. Because he knew what it was like, to try stop yourself from wanting, from needing, from hurting. The only difference was that Sam was a junkie and this girl needed it to survive. He wasn’t going to let her die. Not like this. Not on his watch. So he took a deep breath and moved closer until he was within her reach before he handed her the open blood bag.

 

When she fed Sam didn’t watch. He didn’t watch the way her teeth sank into the plastic bag like it’s a meal in front of a starving man. In a way, it was. He didn’t watch her cave into her desire, the desire to feel filled. He didn’t watch because he knew she wouldn’t want him to. 

 

He owed her that. He owed her that for not noticing this before.

 

Ted didn’t look at him once she was done. She was crying so hard she was shaking with it and Sam just moved closer until he could gently pull her out, gently hold her, bloody and scared and sobbing. She was so thin, he can feel her ribs, her bones under a thin layer of skin. But he didn’t care. He just pulled her closer until exhaustion took over and he carried her back to her room.

 

Sam had a feeling it was going to be the best night sleep that Teddy’d had in a long time. The thought twisted in his gut as he went about cleaning up some of the blood that had spilled on the floor.

 

_ Vampire,  _ Sam couldn’t help but think. If Dean ever came back he was going to kill him. 

 

Dean was going to kill  _ her  _ if he ever came home.  _ Don’t think about that,  _ Sam reminded himself. _ Mind in the present. Front and center, Thoughts. _

 

_ What the hell am I going to do?  _ Sam kept asking himself. One things wasn’t an option though, this wasn’t going to end with Teddy’s head on the floor. 

 

-oOo- 

 

When Ted finally woke up the fuzziness in her head had finally faded after the long days she had been with Sam. The pangs of hunger were gone, replaced by those of guilt.

 

She had given in. Who had died so she could live? Who had she hurt? 

 

Teddy shuttered and curled in on herself under the blankets. She felt warm and that in itself was a betrayal. Why was is too much for Teddy to ask that people just let her  _ die  _ finally? She was the same monster that had gotten her father killed. She deserved the same fate as the things her mother hunted. She didn’t deserve this.

 

She didn’t deserve the kindness in Sam’s eyes as he watched her, worried for a monster he should behead instead of pity. She didn’t deserve the way she healed so quickly. She didn’t deserve the borrowed blood pumping through her veins. Part of her wanted nothing more than to slit her wrists and watch the blood drain from her body. She wanted to feel cold again. She wanted to die.

 

Teddy didn’t know how long she stayed curled up under the bed covers before she smelled Sam. He smelled like old books and too little sleep. He smelled like blood too, old blood running through a young body. His blood smelled sweet and Teddy had to bite down on the inside of her cheek just for the thought. She curled up even tighter as she began to hear footsteps. 

 

She couldn’t deal with this. Not right now. Not today. She wasn’t ready to die. She needed to say goodbye first. She didn’t deserve to, but she wanted to hear her mom’s voice one last time if this was finally going to be the end.

 

“It’s okay Teddy, it’s okay, I promise. I’m not going to hurt you. I just want to talk, that’s all. Just talk,” Sam said. His voice was so gentle, Teddy almost believed it. Almost. But she wasn’t quite that stupid. She whimpered as she forced herself out from under the covers and to face the hunter eye-to-eye.

 

“It’s okay. Please… just let me call my mom first,” she said, her voice shaking. 

 

“I’m not going to kill you Teddy. I promise. No one’s going to kill you.”

 

Teddy couldn’t hold back her laugh, half pitiful and half crazed. “Killing me is kind of your job,” she said, her voice shaking almost as bad as her hands as she gripped the sheet tighter and tighter in her hands. “So do me a favor and don’t lie. Just let me leave my mom a message. Please.”

 

Teddy knew that it sounding like begging. She couldn’t bring herself to care.

 

-oOo-

 

Sam hated the way Teddy was looking at him. Like he was Death itself. He hated the way she looked so resigned. He hated the way she looked like she was just waiting. Like she deserved whatever was coming. Like she deserved this to be the end.

 

This wasn’t the end. Not for her.

 

Her moved towards her slowly and watched as she became tenser and tenser. Did she think that he was just going to snap her neck? It wasn’t exactly like he was carrying a machete with him. He tried to keep his posture open, unthreatening, but there weren’t many ways to make his 6” 4’ frame seem less intimidating. 

 

He sat down next to the girl and tried to ignore the way she flinched away from him.

 

“Please, just let me call my mom…” she said so quietly Sam almost couldn’t hear her.

 

“I’m not going to kill you, Teddy. I promise. I’m just here to help,” he said softly and tentatively wrapped an arm around her as her body began to wrack with sobs. 

 

Despite her obvious despair, Teddy was already starting to look much better than before. The bruises that had littered her body had began to fade and disappear, her various cuts were healing, her body cleaned out the infection.

 

Even so, her physical state wasn’t the only thing Sam was worried about. He knew that look her eyes all too well. Her saw it every time he looked in the mirror. He knew what it was like to want death so badly you’re willing to bleed yourself dry just so it could finally come. He was no stranger to suicide. He just had to luck of being Dean and Lucifer’s favorite pet. 

 

Sam still wasn’t sure if he should be grateful for all the times Lucifer brought him back or not.

 

He wasn’t grateful to Dean. Not for Gadreel. He could forgive, but he could never be grateful.

 

“This isn’t your fault, Teddy,” he tried to reassure her. “That’s nothing wrong with you. You’re just different. Doesn’t make you a monster.” 

 

The laugh the young girl let loose was heartbreaking, hysteria and hopelessness ringing in his ears. 

 

“Yeah right,” she spat out in between sobs. 

 

“It’s true,” Sam prompted. “If anyone would know, it’s me. You’re not… being a monster is a choice Teddy. It’s not decided by fangs, but by the way you handle whatever you’re given. I’ve known humans more monstrous than you. I know angels who’ve stepped further out of line than you ever have. And they’re supposed to be the good guys.There is no good or evil here. There’s just us, trying to do our best. And our best is all we can do. And from what I’ve seen your best is really, really good.”

 

Sam kept his arm around the still shaking girl and held her closer as she leaned into his touch. 

 

“If you ever need to talk, if you ever want to talk, I’m here. I promise,” Sam said softly.

 

-oOo-

 

Teddy didn’t believe him. On principle. 

 

If something seems too good to be true, that’s because it is.  

 

Teddy thought back to her mom as she was held by the older hunter. His hold was nothing like her mother’s. It was stronger, but at the same time much more gentle. Whenever her mom hugged her it was like she was holding onto something for dear life. Like Teddy might suddenly disappear. With Sam there was no desperation to the embrace. There was just love. Unconditional love in those strong arms. 

 

It felt wrong. It felt like cheating. Teddy didn’t want him to let go.

 

Teddy didn’t want any of this to go away. But she knew better than that. She knew so much better.

 

She knew it wouldn’t be long until she had to move on. Until everything went to hell again and again.

 

But for now she leaned into Sam’s touch and drank it in until his voice drew her out of the haze. It wasn’t his normal voice though, it was melodious as he sang softly. Her mother was never the lullabye type, but Teddy liked it. 

 

_ Vos autem fecistis arbitrio quam, _

_ Tu prae summa praeteriti erroribus _

_ Tu magis problems creare _

_ Vos Ive 'been potuisse fingi ita. _

 

Teddy didn’t recognize the words that rolled off Sam’s tongue but she liked the way the curled around her, easily meant for comfort. She listened to his voice until she pulled away, wiping at her eyes. 

 

“Thank you, Sam. Thank you.”

 

“You’re welcome,” he said softly, running a rough hand through her coarse hair. “I’m going to go put together some dinner so Cas doesn’t kick my ass next time he checks in. If you need anything you just let me know, okay?”

 

Teddy nodded and for once she felt like she was actually telling the truth. 

 

-oOo-

 

Sam made his way to the kitchen, taking a deep breath as he warmed some water in the kettle and forced himself to get the pre-made salad out of the refrigerator. He needed to eat. He needed to take care of himself. He couldn’t get upset about Teddy not getting what she needs to survive because she thinks she’s a monster when he did the same thing. 

 

Sam wasn’t what had been done with his unwilling hands. He was his choices. Every good and bad choice he had ever made were part of him. Expelling Gadreel was a choice. Taking hold from Lucifer was a choice. Removing the Mark was a choice. Waking up every day was a choice that Sam would continue to make for as long as he could.

 

It wasn’t long until he heard Teddy in the library again and he made his way out to check on her. She was still pale, dark circles under her eyes, but she was healing in more ways than one. She looked up and tried to smile at him and he smiled back.

 

Together they researched and Sam helped Teddy fill out every blank in her hunter’s journal that he could like they’d been doing for the past few days. He included the vampire cure, even though it was useless to her now. 

 

“Uh, Ted?” Sam asked after a while when they had retreated to their own tomes. She looked up, trying to keep her emotions masked. He could see the guilt squirming in her brown eyes no matter how hard she tried to banish it.

 

“Do you want to watch a movie?” Sam offered. He had an idea nagging in the back of his mind, a movie Cas had told him about during what Sam was now referring to as “The Great Binge Watch of 2015.”

 

“Uh, yeah, that sounds… sounds nice,” Teddy said. “Let me just got put on my pjs or something, okay?”

 

Sam nodded and made his way into the tv room and pulling out blanket after blanket to make sure there was enough warmth to go around and then started looking through Netflix until he found what he was looking for. When Teddy came back Sam welcomed her into the blanket heap and pressed play. 

 

She looked wearily at the screen as the animated movie began and the music struck up.

 

_ Morning in Paris, the city awakes _

_ To the bells of Notre Dame _

_ The fisherman fishes, the bakerman bakes _

_ To the bells of Notre Dame _

_ To the big bells as loud as the thunder _

_ To the little bells soft as a psalm _

_ And some say the soul of the city's _

_ The toll of the bells _

_ The bells of Notre Dame _

 

-oOo-

 

Teddy was crying by the end of the movie. Sam was too. Neither of them were trying to hide their tears and they were both smiling.

 

_ So here is a riddle to guess if you can _

_ Sing the bells of Notre Dame _

_ What makes a monster and what makes a man? _

 

Choices.


	4. Chapter 4

They sat quietly in the dimly lit room for a little while until Teddy finally spoke up. 

 

“You… you said… if I… if I wanted to… to talk…?” she said, not looking up at Sam. 

 

“Of course,” Sam said softly.

 

“It… it’s been two years. Almost to the date. I mean- I just- vampires killed my dad for no reason other than they could. Freaking ripped out his throat and bled him dry. And now- and now- how can you even stand to be around me?! To look at me?! I’m a monster. Textbook definition. Even monsters think I’m a monster,” her breathe was starting to come out in shuddering gasps and Sam rubbed his hand in comforting circles on her back.

 

“Teddy, breathe. In and out with me, okay? In and out,” Sam said, taking a deep breath and counting to four before exhaling again. “Just breathe, Teddy. It’s going to be okay.”

 

“But what if my mom doesn’t come back? She’s hunting the same things as me! What if she dies because she couldn’t trust me in the field with her?”

 

“It’s not your fault, Teddy. You can’t control things that you’re not a part of. You’re here, she’s there.”

 

“But I should be out there with her! I just-” Teddy cut herself off, burying herself inside of her sweatshirt. When she spoke again Sam could barely hear her. “I fucked up last time. I messed up really bad. And she’s going to die because of what I did...” 

 

“What do you think you did, Teddy?”

 

“Our… our last hunt together. It went bad. Really bad…”

 

-oOo-

 

Teddy let the full story spill out. They had been tracking a nest of vampires across state lines. Tami always went a bit blind when vamps were involved. Teddy always went rigid and worried where her mom went vicious and cold. By now they had worked out a system for vamp hunts, but this was different. Normally Tami kept Ted an arm’s length away from the action when it came to bloodsuckers but this time Teddy wasn’t given the choice.

 

She had been at a local bar looking for some local intel when she was grabbed. It didn’t take the vamps long to figure out what she was. It didn’t take them long to hate her for it.

 

Being a monster is one thing. Being a monster that denies it? That’s another sin altogether.

 

Sometimes Teddy could still smell the heavy air filled with the smell of sweat and blood. She could still feel the chains digging into her wrists and stomach. They didn’t want her dead. If they had, this would’ve been so much easier. But they didn’t want her dead, they wanted her just alive enough that it hurt. And god did it hurt.

 

Teddy could feel their eyes on her bare skin. She could feel their teeth. Their claws. She could feel the knives and needles and there was blood everywhere. Blood that wasn’t even her blood. They were never careless enough to bleed her out though. They always made sure to feed her.

 

Sometimes that was worse. They’d shove fresh meat into her mouth, sometimes the person would be alive, screaming… Teddy didn’t know how long it was until her mom came and found her but it wasn’t soon enough. It would never be soon enough for Teddy to forget the things she had done. The things she hadn’t been strong enough to stop.

 

The physical pain she probably could’ve handled. But it wasn’t just broken bones and torn skin. It was the screams, the warmth of blood in her mouth, the tears streaming down her face, the hunger that was always in the pit of her stomach for  _ more _ . 

 

It was wrong. It was wrong on every level.

 

“That wasn’t your fault,” Sam said steadily, like if he said the words enough maybe it would be true. 

 

“That wasn’t your choice. You are so strong for surviving that. You are so strong, and so brave, and good. You are good, Teddy. You are not the choices others have forced on you.” There was no missing the passion in that voice, the need behind it, like Sam needed to believe those words just as badly as she did. 

 

Maybe he did. Teddy made a mental note to ask him in the morning before drifting off to sleep in his arms again.

 

-oOo-

 

The next day Teddy’s phone rang. She didn’t even wait for it to ring once and then for her mom to call back again she just picked up. If her mom was bleeding out and dying in a vampire nest she wouldn’t be able to let it ring once and then call back. She just looked at Sam and Sam looked back at her and she shakily answered the phone.

 

“Mom?! Mom!?!”

 

“It’s okay, baby. I got ‘em,” her mom said, her voice layered with exhaustion and satisfaction, and Teddy almost collapsed with relief. “They weren’t the folks who killed your daddy but they won’t be giving us anymore trouble and that’s a promise.” 

 

Teddy listened to her mom’s thick midwest accent and took comfort in the words. She was okay. She was  _ alive _ . 

 

As long as her mom’s heart kept beating everything would be okay. 

 

After Teddy eventually hung up she slumped down into one of the library chairs and took a breath. She could feel Sam’s worried eyes on her and she tried to smile. 

 

“She’s okay,” Teddy said. “She’s going to be okay. Sam… are… are you going to be okay? You just… you know too much about this to be okay. I mean… we’re both kind of fucked up.”

 

Sam smiled at her, wearily and broken. 

 

“I… I’ll admit, I’m a little screwed up. More than a little really, but… I made my choices,” His voice was unsteady, like he wasn’t used to people asking that actually cared about the answer.

 

“Did you really save the world?” 

 

Sam’s eyebrows shot up in surprise, “Where did you get that idea?”

 

“It’s what Bobby told my mom after… when the apocalypse was still a thing. Said you were possessed by the devil himself and you took control. Said that you saved the world.”

 

“I guess… I guess I did. But- I didn’t do anything anyone else wouldn’t have done. I got what I deserved in the end.”

 

“What? Nightmares and a serious case of PTSD?” Sam smiled a little, it reached his eyes without humor. “You saved the world. That means something. That was your choice.”

 

“Sometimes nightmares are just something you get. Doesn’t mean anything other than you’ve been through some hell and you’re still getting through it. We are more than our nightmares.”

 

-oOo-

 

Sam’s words echoed through his head as he forced himself to get ready for sleep that night.

 

_ We are more than our nightmares. _

 

He brushed his teeth and washed his face and curled his fingers around the counter top and closed his eyes.

 

_ We are more than our nightmares. _

 

He saw Kevin’s eyes go dark, pale and burnt. He heard Dean saying, “I don’t have that in me!” like it was his choice. He saw Cas look at him, scared and lost. He heard himself, screaming inside of his own head. 

 

_ I am more than my nightmares. I’m more than what’s been done to me. I’m more than the demon blood. More than Lucifer. More than angels and demons. I am not their plaything. I am Sam Fucking Winchester. _


	5. Epilogue

Teddy entered the tattoo parlor and a shiver ran down her spine as she smiled at the artist on duty. The woman was covered in almost as much ink as skin, different splashed of color sticking out against her dark skin. Teddy clung to the piece of paper in her hands, Sam’s words still echoing in the back of her mind.

 

The artist - Mel - didn’t question Teddy, just got to work after she was told what to do and where. 

 

Teddy was used to pain. This was nothing like jumping in front of a hungry werewolf with claws at the ready. This was just a pinprick, barely registering in her mind. Instead of focusing on the pain, Teddy focused on  _ why _ .

 

Hunters were trained not to stand out more than necessary, the more generic you look the easier you are to forget. Teddy was already easily identified by her scar. It’s not like makeup could hide it exactly. She could try to put up a glamor if she needed to, but Teddy wasn’t all that good with magic and her mom didn’t want to take the risk. Magic was dangerous, it could attract the wrong kind of attention too easily. The line between hunter and hunted was thin and Teddy was already on the wrong side of it.

 

So a tattoo wasn’t exactly the best idea for someone in her line of work. But maybe this was exactly what Teddy needed. She needed a reminder. 

 

Teddy could still hear the screaming of the people she had killed, of her father as he took his dying breaths, her mother when she found her daughter limp in a vampire’s clutches. She would hear those screams for the rest of her life. 

 

They were a part of her.

 

But so was this: every scar, every crooked finger, and flesh memory was hers. Her winning smile - almost always forced - fangs and all was a part of who Teddy was.

 

She felt the needle on her skin and thought about staking claim. She thought about the way she had let the scars on her neck define her for so long. She was tired of letting that nameless vamp have so much power of her. She was more than him. She was more than her second set of teeth.

 

-oOo-

 

Sam made his way into Lebanon, riding one of the motorbikes he had fixed up from the garage when his hands needed something to hold onto. Mechanics had always been more of Dean’s thing than Sam’s but sometimes books broke too easy and gunshots rang in his ears for too long. Bikes could be taken apart and put back together. 

 

Sam parked in front of Danny’s Tattoo Parlor and took a deep breath. He’d been getting work done ever since his tattoo was burned off. Every day spent without the protective sigil felt more vulnerable than anything else and now it was painfully obvious that a simple anti-possession tattoo wasn’t enough.

 

Once he entered Sam smiled at Deliliah. She had been helping him with his project for the past week or so. Sometimes they talked, but mostly she worked and Sam tried to keep his breathing even, tried to think of a lie about why he was getting occult symbols tattooed onto his chest, but she never asked. 

 

For that Sam was grateful. 

 

Sam was grateful for a lot of things, and one of those things was that this would be his last day at the tattoo parlor. After today he would be as protected as supernaturally possible.

 

Sam tried to take comfort in that, but he knew how easily skin tore. He knew how easily promises broken, even ones he made to himself. He obviously couldn’t be trusted to- no.  _ Stop that line of thought right now. You did not choose Gadreel. You were tricked. You were tricked and Kevin paid the price and Dean left and Cas is going to leave because you’re stupid, pathetic, and weak. _

 

Sam couldn’t make the rushing thoughts stop, but he could focus on the needle on his skin instead. He could let the pain draw him back to the real world and out of his head. It’s not like pain was a new coping mechanism.

 

Delilah looked at him a little worriedly. “Need to take a break?” she asks but Sam shakes his head. They’re almost at the finish line. He doesn’t want to wait any longer.

 

Sam didn’t let his mind wander this time, knowing the places it would go. His mind was a landmine these days. Instead he focused on the pain.

 

-oOo-

 

When Mel was done Teddy smiled and admired the work. Words curled around her bicep, framed by different objects with different meanings. 

 

She brushed her fingers over the ink and smiled. Yes, this was just what she needed.

 

Teddy had been a lot of things in her life, but proud had never been one of them. Not of herself anyways. For too long she had let herself believe that she was broken, too slow even with vampire speed, too short, too stupid, too many things that she couldn’t be. Her mother could never be proud of a  _ monster _ .

 

She took a deep breath and tried to rebel against the thoughts, Sam’s words echoing back in her mind. Teddy didn’t know why she was letting Sam’s (a practical stranger) words stick with her like she was.

 

_ Strong. _

 

_ Brave. _

 

_ Good. _

 

Maybe Teddy was those things. Maybe she wasn’t. But she could keep trying to be, she could fight this.

 

That night as she was laying down for bed her fingers ghosted over the words surrounded by sigils and symbols before she closed her eyes. She knew what was coming but she could face this, she could keep fighting. 

 

When her eyes fluttered closed her fingers were still gripping her arm, a reminder.

 

_ You are more than your nightmares. _

 

-oOo-

 

In another state, Sam was doing the same thing. For the first time in a long time he felt protected, he felt safe. He laid in his bed, having promised Cas he would try to sleep. His body needed sleep. He remembered way too well what sleep deprivation felt like and didn’t feel like repeating the experience. But that didn’t mean that falling asleep didn’t seem like a terrifying prospect.

 

Part of Sam would always be worried that he would wake up with someone else in control of his hands. That his precautions wouldn’t be enough. That  _ he  _ wouldn’t be enough to stop the next big threat. The next big danger.

 

He tried to let Cas’ words come back to him.

 

“ _ The world is not on your shoulders, _ ” Cas had reassured him. “ _ The only thing you need to worry about right now to taking care of yourself. You need to recover. You’re safe here. _ ”

 

Sam didn’t feel safe anywhere anymore, but maybe with his new tattoo fresh on his skin and familiar warding up on the walls, he could breath a little easier. The anti-nightmare hex bag hidden under his pillow was another comfort, one he didn’t deserve, but Cas insisted.

 

It was either the hex bag or Cas using his Grace and Sam knew his answer before the question was even asked. Grace was supposed to be something beautiful, an angel’s lifeblood, but to Sam is was a burning reminder, a torture device.

 

Sam tried to shake the thoughts from his head as he burrowed under the blankets only to have his phone draw him out moments later when he heard the text alert. A name popped up on a screen, accompanied by a picture that Teddy had assigned as her contact. 

 

_ I hope you’re getting some sleep. I’m safe at the next Motel 6.  _

 

_ Sleeping sound,  _ Sam texted back. Later, when he closed his eyes, Sam realized he wasn’t lying.


End file.
